All the stuff you never knew you needed to know about life in rural France.....and all the stuff the books and magazines won't tell you.
Showing posts with label English in France. Show all posts
Showing posts with label English in France. Show all posts

Friday, 23 September 2011

Hard choices...

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 26:  In this photo ...Image by Getty Images via @daylife
Ah, Maurice!

Clement. Comment ca va?

What a week! It makes you wonder why you bother...
Yes, a glass would be nice....Albert's white turned out well last year...
That's better...

Well, make the most of it.
He's discovered esca in his vines....going to have to grub up a lot of them.

What!  Him  too?
Mark my words, this is going to be worse than phylloxera!
And now they won't let you buy the stuff to treat it it will run wild!

Old Benoit reckons it's all down to using Roundup. He reckons you never saw it before.

Well, he's still using his old horse to plough between the rows.....these young guys won't have that...they want it easy, sitting in their tractors spraying stuff...
The only place...apart from Benoit...you'll see a vineyard plough these days is in a museum!

I remember the Dad.....out in the autumn ploughing to cover the vine roots for the winter....out in the spring, uncovering them again....Benoit might have a point, the soil certainly got more aeration when you worked it rather than poisoning it.

Well, if you can't depend on getting a decent drop of wine in the future you wonder what the country has come to....you don't fancy drinking town water with all that chlorine in it and before we know it they'll be recycling the sewage plants for drinking water.

Have to build them first, and by the way things are going there won't be much money about to do anything.
Look at Benitierville....the council took out one of these toxic loans and are up to their ears in debt.

Ho! Up go the local taxes again!

Oh, hello,Victor! Join us?

That' Albert's? Better make the most of it...

Yes, Maurice told me.
Miserable situation all round...and what have you got on the box to cheer you up?
Dominique Strauss Kahn having sex with a chambermaid!

Oh, did they film it then? I didn't know that!


No, Victor, they didn't film it...he was just talking about it.

Typical socialist....all mouth.....

That's enough about mouths, Victor. Anyway, he's innocent.

No he isn't, Maurice...they just didn't have enough proof to go for him...

Then he's innocent, isn't he? You're the expert, Clement, you work for the notaire...you tell us.

Well, from what Maitre Plouc says, Strauss Kahn is innocent in France but not in America.

Well, he's in France so he's innocent. That's what I said.

It's a pity they didn't film it though...they film everything else!
Look at those speed traps they've set up all over the place...just another money machine, nothing to do with safety at all.
Just like the drink driving...and now they want you to buy a breathalyser to carry in your car to test yourself!  And who's got the contract for that, I'd like to know.
Pure magouille, all of it!
As if I need a breathalyser to know when I'm drunk!

It might have been helpful to you when you decided to race the gendarmerie in your tractor....

That was sheer bad luck! I was nearly home when the bastards crept up on me...

Everything comes down to money!
Even Maitre Plouc is feeling the pinch.

What, him? With all his property dealings? You have to be joking.

Oh, yes.
First it was when they forced notaires to use a central account for their client accounts.
No more nipping round to see Jean Paul at Credit Agricole when he wanted a bit of extra to do a deal.
But at least he got the interest.
Now, with all these English selling, he's got another problem.

Well, he gets his money, doesn't he? What's the problem?

Oh , he gets his fees all right, but they're buying and selling in sterling, between themselves, so he doesn't get his hands on any of the money....nothing in the client account...no interest.

I bet that speeds up transactions....he kept my neice's money for four months...

But how do they get away with it? This is France! And aren't they worried the seller will run off with the money?

Not so worried as they are about Maitre Plouc sitting on it for months...
And you should hear them crowing about the euro!

They've got a nerve! I remember when England fell out of the Money Snake....that sent a pile of them home with their tails between their legs.....
And look at what happened when their pound dropped against the euro...another lot running for home....

Yes, well now they reckon they won't do any transactions in the euro and they don't trust French banks!

I suppose they've got a point, there. Who but an imbecile would buy up Greek debt? You can't trust a Greek.

Too right. Antoine's dad used to sell cattle there, back before Europe, if you see what I mean. Selling was one thing...getting paid was another.

Well, they've put us all in a right mess, and it leaves me with a big problem.

What's that, Clement?

Well, you know my mother in law....
She wasn't happy about going into the euro, didn't trust it....so she kept her stash of francs and refused to change them.

In the mattress?

Where else? If it was good enough in the War...you know the sort of thing...

And?

Well, the Banque de France has just announced that the last date for changing them into euros is at the end of next month....
And she says that the way things are going the euro will be down the tubes by then.....
So she's hanging on to her francs.


















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Sunday, 28 August 2011

Cry God for curry, Tesco and Saint George...

henry v of england Painting is in "The Ro...Image via Wikipedia
Maurice?

Jean Paul?

Is it safe?

Quickly.......that's it. We can put the light back on now, Clement....
What's the situation  Jean Paul?

Bad, Maurice, very bad.
The rosbifs are in control of the area...they've welded the gendarmes into their barracks......they've occupied the mairie...they've put up a notice...

What does it say?

I don't know. It's in English.

Isn't this typical! We get invaded and where are our leaders? Where are the gendarmerie? It's all left to us poor buggers on the ground to organise something to protect the soil of France!

Reminds me of 1940.....three weeks I spent in trains, being sent here and there...anywhere from the Alps to Lorient...while the Germans were rolling over the border in their tanks....

Yes, all right, Victor, but that was then and this is now and it's not the Germans, it's the English.

Worse! At least the Germans paid for what they took...you can't be so sure with the English...look at poor Valentin!
Four times he repaired that window he put in...four times...and when it still leaked and he had to put in that stupid Velux the godon had originally given him to put it when any fool would have known that it wouldn't work and put in the bill for his extra time the bastard wouldn't pay him!
You wouldn't get that with the Germans. No, no...you knew where you were with them...

Yes, Victor...probably shot.

Don't get him started, Clement...before you know it he'll be singing 'Marechal, nous voila' and painting 'Travail, Famille, Patrie' on the walls.
And what about the security services? Running around after everything in a turban and missing all this under their noses.
It's not as if there wasn't plenty of warning....

Yes, but be fair, Maurice...with all this terrorism about they've probably been recruiting Arab speakers....I don't suppose many of them understand English.......let alone look at the internet forums for the English in France.
And anyway, who'd take it seriously,anyway....the English taking back their old provinces! It's a joke! And you know how the English like their jokes! No one would take it seriously....

Well I'm taking it seriously! Having your country over run by foreigners....

Not all of it....be fair, Maurice. We're just unlucky enough to be living in one of their ancient possessions....

I suppose you think that makes it all right!

No, but look.....they're trying to be reasonable.
Given all the legislation on equality, they have a point when they say that Salic Law should not have been applied in 1328, as France did not form part of the Salic lands, and so Edward of England should have been King of France and the whole country should belong to them now....excluding Roussillon Languedoc, of course, and Nice ...and Savoy...and the Jura...and Alsace Lorraine...

So they're being quite fair in only wanting back Aquitaine, Maine, Anjou, Normandy and Calais...

Fair! I've had enough of fair!
Look at them and their 'fair play'...their cricket...
What's 'fair' about trying to hit someone in the family jewels with a leather ball at one hundred kilometres per hour?
What's 'fair' about eleven on to one?

Look how sneakily they bottled up the chasse...the very people who should be out shooting them now...

Yes, where are the chasse?

Welded into their dog runs...that's where. There was a co ordinated attack on their houses with tear gas....they took their shotguns and welded them into their own runs...took the dogs too....left the poor buggers shut up with only a bowl of water and some stale crusts..
No, Victor...not the dogs...their owners...

Tear gas, Maurice? Are you sure?

Yes, look. Arthur brought round one of the empty bottles....look....

M A L T  V I N E G A R.

They threw the bottles through the windows and followed up. The chasse didn't stand a chance...

How did they get hold of it?

Ah, that's where they're sneaky....the authorities should never have let them start bringing 'shopping' from England in those white vans....you must have seen them in Benitierville.
They come every week or so and all the English pick up their goods from them rather than going to Super U or Leclerc...that's how they smuggled the tear gas through in such quantities...under the very noses of the gendarmerie.

What do you mean, Victor..it's all the fault of the Tourist Board?

Well, putting up those posters on the road

'Route des Rois d'Angleterre'

Gave the rosbifs ideas, didn't it?
Fifth columnists, the Tourist Board......if it wasn't for them we'd never have had the English here in the first place.

What's that noise?
Put the light out, Clement.
Who's there?

It's me...Jean Francois.

Oh, come in then. O.K. Clement, switch the light back on.
What's the news?

I've got a copy of the notice they put up at the mairie...the fish and chip van is giving them out...

The 'what' van?

The 'poisson frites' van...my son has translated it.

Well?

They've declared UDI...

No shame!
Fancy trumpeting from the house tops that you have a sexually transmitted disease!

No, not SIDA...a Unilateral Declaration of Independence. They've declared independence from France....and from the European Union.

They're going to open a branch of Tesco....the English version of Carrefour....and 'Chez Antoine' will be turned into an Indian restaurant...

Curry!
They go too far....

But there's something else, Maurice...
They're abolishing the Euro!

What? Abolishing the Euro!
Clement......give us all a glass of the Coteaux d'Aubance while we think this over....
Abolishing the Euro, you say?

Well, there might be room for negotiation after all...

















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