All the stuff you never knew you needed to know about life in rural France.....and all the stuff the books and magazines won't tell you.
Showing posts with label british expats in france. Show all posts
Showing posts with label british expats in france. Show all posts

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Eau de Nice - No, it's Not a Commercial for Scent.

Friends are visiting from France and have been kind enough to bring a Red Cross parcel; goat cheese, Chaume, harissa.....and a large bottle of Eau de Nice.

I like scent, but normally only buy perfume as it lasts longer on the skin and of course have my favourites - Guerlain's 'Apres l'Ondee', Jean Patou's 'Joy' and I used to like Jean Desprez' 'Bal a Versailles' but either it or I have changed over the years and it just doesn't do it any more. Perhaps I should try his 'Revolution a Versailles' instead.

I would like to have Viktor and Rolf's 'Flowerbomb'...but the price is such as to give me the heebie-jeebies at the thought of handing over that much cash for that little quantity of liquid, so the old favourites it is while they last.

Eau de Nice is very different.
It's an eau de cologne, something I associate with mother dabbing at her temples in hot weather and something I thought very old lady and very not for me.

I was, of course, wrong.

Many years ago in France I had been invited to make the acquaintance of a rather grand elderly woman - in social terms - who was desirous of widening her circle.
She lived in an logis dating from the Renaissance in the medieval centre of an old town nearby, high stone walls and blanked off metalwork gates preserving her privacy.
Her garden was 'a l'anglaise', free flowing and full of flowers.
Ancient limes shaded the terrace.
A trellis for the Chasselas vine screened the kitchen garden.
In winter we would sit round the fire protected from draughts in what I would think of as porters' chairs, tall screens between us and the long glass windows.
You would not have thought that the town existed apart from the odd motorcycle exhaust and the sirens of the police heading back to the office at aperitif time.

Our first meeting went well, though it intrigued me to see that the person who introduced us was not invited at the same time  in later meetings and we hit it off with interests in history, gardening and, of course, politics.
I expect I amused her...this creature from the world of Hume gasping for air in the clear waters of Descartes.

She had had a husband who died early following his treatment at the hands of the Vichy Milice during the war, she had no children and used to laugh heartily at the visits of inspection of her sister's daughter in law intent on seeing that no family knickknacks went AWOL before the divvying up process on her death.

She spent a lot of time laughing.... making provoking sallies at dinner; a little spicy character assassination over the washing up of the antique dinner services she insisted on using; telling stories of her youth round the tea table set under the limes. She had her 'days' for tea, on Wednesdays, although dinner invitations could be on a whim.
A woman of no pretension whatsoever, secure in her own personality and, it must be said, secure in her social status.

But she had a secret.

I used to amuse her with tales of the Britpack....the ever growing number of British immigrants to the area...and she would ask how anyone expected to know about another country solely from books and magazine articles written by their own fellow countrymen.
After all, so provincial was France that it was difficult enough for someone from another area to adapt, let alone someone from a completely different culture.

My explanation was that, with some honourable exceptions, they lived in a bubble. They did not have enough French to be worried about things they did not understand, they paid whatever bill was presented to them and they were just happy to be 'living the dream'.

There were, of course, the pack leaders...the 'helping hands', who provided the link to French culture and practice to people who knew - through little fault of their own - not much about either.
These were always trumpeting about their friendships with French people prominent locally, Maitre X, Councillor Y and the Comtesse Z, which boosted their appeal to those of the Britpack seeking their advice, though I often thought that if they were reflecting the views of their French friends the said friends must either be extremely dense - or taking the urine on the scale of the Paris sewers.

One summer I had been invited to tea on a day which was not her regular one. I was in town at the tax office and she had suggested I drop by afterwards to discuss the results of a fight over retroactive legislation.
It was blazing hot and by the time I had left the stuffy office, climbed the hill and negotiated the cobbles carrying a basket full of files 'glowing' was not the word for my state...I was approaching the equine.

The table was set for only two - a tete a tete being felt to be appropriate for discussing money and property - and as I settled myself, breathing like a grampus after a close encounter with Herman Melville, she said

?I've just the thing for you. You need a dab of eau de cologne on your temples to cool you down.'

She rang the bell on the table and as a figure appeared behind the curtains she called

'Suzanne! Go upstairs to my dressing room, would you, and bring down the bottle of Eau de Nice and a handkerchief.'

Then, turning back to me

'You'll like this. It's very old...a favourite of Madame de Montespan. All violets and spring flowers and a little powdery. Just the thing on a hot afternoon.'

?I didn't know you had help.'

'Oh yes....I don't mind washing the china and the ornaments but at my age you need someone to do the rough and Maitre X put me on to someone a few months ago. She comes twice a week - but not on my regular 'days' of course.'

The returning figure appeared again at the window, and hesitated.

'Come along, Suzanne, please! Your countrywoman is dying from the heat!'

And Suzanne appeared.
One of the helping hands.
One who was friends with Maitre X, Councillor Y and Comtesse Z.

She passed over the Eau de Nice and the handkerchief and withdrew to the house.

My elderly friend wet the handkerchief and handed it me. I dabbed as directed and did, indeed, feel better.

'There now' she said, smiling. 'That was a nice surprise, wasn't it?'

'Only for me, I think.' I replied.

But I've always retained my fondness for Eau de Nice....and am happy to be reminded of the spring flowers of the south of France in the humidity of the tropics.




Thursday, 17 November 2011

Integrate! Assimilate! Tailgate!

Claude Gueant, Interior Minister and Dalek substitute, has been addressing the question of immigration....or rather, the conduct expected of immigrants.

Essentially his message is this....if you come to France, you don't bring your old habits with you. You become like the French.

While he was speaking in the context of Muslim immigration, it would be interesting to see the consequences for the British expat colonies out in the sticks were his ideas to be enforced among them.

No more breaking the curfew, for a start. You are to be behind your hermetically closed shutters by 7.00 pm at the latest, so that French villages preserve their traditional character - that of cemeteries with rather large tombs.
This will also fool the Germans if they bring down the Euro and take over Europe again.

You are to open no door except that of a restaurant between noon and 2.00pm, but you may open your shutters the better to see the serving of fressure, andouillette or tete de veau on your plate.

No more of the insubordinate 'jardin anglais', different coloured plants flopping all over the place.
You will plant everything in strictly aligned rows and eradicate any plant not conforming to the norms with herbicide.

Driving behaviour will alter.
You will drive at five kilometres an hour on a narrow road and park directly outside the baker's shop on a roundabout.
Without signalling.
You will tailgate.
You will give the 'coup de poisson' to any foreign registered car.
You will not give any version of the 'V' sign, but will raise one finger instead. The gendarme will arrest you in either case but it will tell in your favour in court that you have used a French method of outrage to a public official.
When you run over a dog on the road you will not seek out the owner to apologise and offer to take the dog to the vet, you will seek out the owner in order to make him pay for the dent in your bumper.

No more 'white vans'. No more 'English shelves'. No more smuggling golden syrup across the border.
You will happily opt for frozen frogs' legs from Thailand, Label Rouge poultry raised in a patch of mud alongside the battery cages and biftek - the latter strictly  from ancient Prim' Holstein cows.

You will learn to speak French.
Do not be discouraged.
In time your knowledge will extend beyond the mastery of the essential everyday phrases

'cons', 'connards', and 'merde'

and achieve fluency

'casse-toi', 'fous-moi le camp'.and 'putain de merde'.

The more you meet with and talk to your French neighbours, the more your vocabulary will be enriched.
Especially if they only speak patois.

You will observe the dress codes....flat cap and Charentaise slippers for the men, salmon pink corsets hidden under flowered crossover pinnies for the women.
No fascinators.
No panama hats.

Adultery will only be committed at the permitted hours...between 5.00 pm and 7.00 pm so that you are home in time for the curfew.
No more of this disorganised activity as and when convenient.
Adultery is a serious matter.

You will recognise the importance of sport in the life of the nation.
You will sing La Marseillaise in French at the start of the match, not the English version starting with
' A Frenchman went into the lavatory...'
You will support 'les Bleus'....whether it's rugby, football, tennis ...or twirling.
And remember...French teams do not play dirty...they merely anticipate their retaliation.

Your children will attend French schools where they will learn the skills to enable them to make their way in France.
They will quickly become adept at learning by rote, ticking boxes and carrying several kilos of books around every day which will fit them for the sort of jobs generally open to immigrants....stacking boxes in the chicken abattoir.

It may seem terribly complicated, but when it comes down to it all you really have to do to successfully integrate is to remember one phrase.....

French is best.
Sod the rest.