All the stuff you never knew you needed to know about life in rural France.....and all the stuff the books and magazines won't tell you.

Monday 4 June 2012

Keel haul the lot of them....

LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 03:  The Spirit of Char...Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)
Though not a monarchist I had been looking forward to H.M. The Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations....plenty of horses and, uniquely, a parade of boats.
I like boats and there promised to be many traditional craft on show...in action, as opposed to up on blocks in a museum....not to speak of the big ships moored in the Pool of London.

Derby Day was the day before...I switched on the BBC during the preliminaries to the big race, expecting to see the horses in the paddock and was greeted instead by a pair of comperes rather than commentators....an ex champion jockey and a lady larger than himself, which is to be expected given the ideal physique for jockeys.
Both would have qualified for the description 'found under a big hat'.
His topper looked ready to engulf him at any moment while her gunmetal grey confection resembled nothing so much as a failed Paris-Brest gateau at which the discontented pastry chef had fired bird shot.

The BBC should review what they pay this pair....all we learned during their double act was that the jockey was missing his lunch in order to be performing for the cameras, because the lady had a technique all her own for hogging the screen.
She would fire a question and while the jockey was replying she would immediately shout him down in a voice which would have done credit to Hornblower clawing his ship off a lee shore on a stormy night.

Finally we had a brief glimpse of the horses in the paddock where the jockey worked with another top hatted side kick who allowed him to speak.
As, asked his opinion of the runners, his invariable reply was
'He's a big strong horse...'
I imagine that the liquid portion of lunch at least had been ingurgitated on his path from the stands to the paddock.

Just as I was enjoying the horses - despite the inability of the outside broadcast team to co ordinate  the 'big strong horse' on the screen with the particular 'big strong horse' under review by the pair of patter comedians - the screen switched to some fair haired brat in a stable yard giving his views on his father, or uncle or grandfather's entry for the race.

While I am aware that the accuracy of the offerings of some racing tipsters compare unfavourably with the information issuing from the mouths of babes and sucklings I would prefer a run down of form and starting prices by someone with some experience of the art.
It preserves the illusion that it is not just a matter of sticking a pin....

The race itself was fascinating...a wonderful job by the jockey of the odds on favourite to hold his horse steady and balanced until it was time to let him loose once the terrors of Tattenham Corner had been overcome...the horse running like liquid silk to the winning post.

At which moment the Paris-Brest gateau hove into sight again and I switched off.

It should have been an awful warning...not to switch on in the morning, but switch on to the BBC I did with hopes of seeing some at least of the superb collection of boats assembled for the occasion.

I was prepared for seeing a lot of the Windsors....it was The Queen's jubilee, after all and the populace expects the cameras to focus on them, though from the frozen faces of all except the Duke of Edinburgh, who seemed to be the only one enjoying himself, they might as well have been rechristened the Glums with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge taking cameo roles as Ron and Eth.

I was not prepared for seeing commentators lolling in their luxurious hutches.....barkers working the crowds....and, good goddlemighty, even the Paris-Brest bellowing away on the royal barge....the proper one, the one being rowed by oarsmen, not the overblown cartoon fantasy of the Pride of Chartwell carrying the Glums and assorted hangers on.

There were overhead shots of the participating boats, shots of an empty river, while the BBC has evidently developed a technique for concentrating on a very few boats several times while leaving the rest as crowd scenes.

They had, to be fair, hired an expert, Tom Cunliffe, who really is an expert on traditional boats, but then did not let him speak...Paris-Brest technique all over again.
He wasn't the best of commentators when he did get a word in edgeways - I don't want to know that Uncle Tom Cobbley is flying the biggest flag in the fleet from his Cornish lugger. I want to know about the lugger itself.
However, he is not an experienced commentator.....whereas the motley crew offered by the BBC are supposed to have mastered the art.

And what is that art? Letting us follow proceedings by explaining what is before our eyes.

No gimmicks. No self publicity. No Paris-Brest work.

While the big ships are still in the Pool of London it would be an unmissable opportunity to load one of them up with the BBC executives responsible for reducing that once exemplary institution to the level of Bill and Ben high on Weed, take them down to the Nore and keel haul the lot of them....together with the Paris-Brest.

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24 comments:

  1. I couldn't get the BBC so had to make do with France 2. It wasn't any better, but the spectacle itself was amazing. Pity we didn't find out who was who or anything interesting about some of the more special boats.

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    1. This was what made me so wild...such a rare chance and so mucked up by the inflated egos of the presentation team.

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  2. We had quite a chunter at the TV as well. They seemed to have hauled in all sorts. At one point saw Annika Rice talking to some painters...not sure what that was about [she's certainly not seen much any more!]. And whoever thought it would be a good idea to have someone on the boat with the bells!! Once they started there was no hope in h--l of hearing anything! Mind you given the caliber maybe not much of a loss.
    Like you, we thought Queen'd be on the Gloriana.

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    1. When you consider that the BBC has the resources and contacts to bring in real experts why were we lumbered with these ignorant self promoting 'commentators'!

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  3. Ironic really. The Jubilee is all about a Monarch whose age is driving her further and further into hiding whilst TV presenters these days only know how to sell themselves. The Jubilee is not about the Jubilee... it's about what the TV programme makers can spin off the Jubilee to sell their own wares.

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    1. How right you are!

      While I hope that some documentary maker took the chance of the gathering of these boats to make a programme about Britain's maritime history and heritage I bet no one did.
      Might be worthwhile...might be interesting...

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  4. Twin minds here. I've been saying exactly the same sort of thing. The presentation was so inept it made me angry. At least living in France I don't have to worry about the waste of my liccence fee.

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    1. It made me cringe...how can the BBC have sunk so low...

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  5. Home from work last night too late to see the full TV re-run, we switched on and saw a diesel-powered tub chugging through the rain. What? Not even the "proper" Royal Barge? Cameras homed in on twats in paper-flag-hats who'd stood on the "exact same spot 60 years ago" at which point we switched the TV off and the radio on.
    Coming home before this crap (and the Olympics!) was a smart move.

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    1. All the monarchist blah passes me by but as a boat enthusiast I'd looked forward to seeing the assembled vessels, especially the traditional working craft.
      Some hope!

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  6. I caught a bit live via the Internet and found it too "spin doctorish." The presentation should have been and could have been about Britain and its Queen and the public who chose to recognise the Jubilee. This was a moment in history, and whether or not one is a monarchist, it should have been treated as such.

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  7. e, what affronted me was the glib, superficial presentation. The BBC was out of its depth...and it shouldn't have been.

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  8. Well I'm not a monarchist either so didn't plan to watch any of it, but I did tune in for half an hour on my laptop last night and saw some of the horses. I don't recall his name, but there was a French "horse whisperer" with some white horses which were absolutely beautiful. Although I do wonder, if he trains them by whispering to them, why does he need a whip?

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    1. I've missed this...this timelapse drives me potty at times!

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  9. I am a monarchist and we watched hoping for a quality outside broadcast of the 'Show'.
    We gave up fairly soon and recorded it so as to omit the sofa-loungers et al. The Royal party looked frozen and I'm not suprised that HRH D of E is in hospital. The concert was missable and we just watched the end and thought Prince Charles gave a good account of the day. Enjoyed the fireworks even though we had to have the credits running at the same time. GB does this sort of thing well but BBC did not cover themselves with glory.

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    1. Yes, GB did a super job....but whatever has happened to the BBC?

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  10. I like claire balding. like her coolness under pressure. just top class commentary that comes out of a big brain with plenty of experience and a passion for the subject.
    she never puts a foot wrong. She is impeccably well-informed, always humorous, and really loves the horses that she commentates about.
    so there...

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    1. I don't normally publish anonymous comments, but there are exceptions to every rule....
      I suspect you are not A.A. Gill, but why not put up your name..?
      I can't eat you over the airwaves and a difference of opinion hurts no one.

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  11. The BBC coverage was dire.
    They even managed to miss the final part of raising Tower Bridge and the barge passing under it.
    At one point the brain-dead Matt Baker asked an "expert" what the semaphore was as he had not a clue. The answer came back: I don't know.
    The sound disappeared everytime there was any music - it was the rain's fault!
    Despite millions of people castigating their pathetic efforts (including live commentators who were taking the feed around the Commonwealth) the BBC bigwigs have said they did an outstanding job.
    The quality of the BBC diminishes by the day.
    Richard Dimbleby must be spinning in his grave.

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    1. The BBC response encapsulates what is wrong with the institutions running the U.K. - despite the evidence of eyes and ears they persist in denying the obvious.
      Do the words 'Emperor' and 'clothes' come to mind?

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  12. Absolutely spot on, Fly! I didn't have chance to watch as much as I would have liked (I'm a monarchist in a very low-key sort of way) because of having visitors, but we did sit down on Sunday to watch the river pageant and I thought the coverage was deplorable. Talk about dumbing-down! When I think back to Richard Dimbleby's measured tones and impeccably researched accuracy I could weep. One of the studio anchor-persons was even heard to refer to The Queen as Her Royal Highness. The mind boggles as to where they recruit these airheads.....

    The Beeb has received a torrent of complaints and a lot of very poor press-coverage, but as others have said they seem to be impervious to criticism nowadays.

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    1. I was very disappointed by the air headed coverage - what an insult to the efforts of the organisers!
      No research, no information to impart...what has the BBC become!

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  13. Thanks so much for saving me the bother....got to France and discovered my digibox had died, so spent a WHOLE WEEK with no TV and missed the lot! Now I see that the digibox was actually doing me a kindness!

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    1. There are always things for which to be grateful,it's true!

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